So, as its nearly Christmas and being a parent to teenagers really is the gift that keeps on giving, I am sharing a new guide (because you can forget anything you learned in the last one - they've changed it all), complete with a festive twist*.
So, if you have a teen or two pay attention, take notes, you are about to get your training in advanced teen speak, just in time for spending the Yuletide period with them. How lucky.
This year we are spending Christmas day at my mother's house. Major eyerolls from the teens in the house, naturally. According to the teen girl, Christmas will not be dank. Now, you might think that that's a good thing and I can confirm that my mum's house is neither unpleasantly damp or cold. It isn't dank. So that's good.
Except when it isn't. You see, when the teen girl says it isn't dank that means it isn't dank, I mean not in the traditional sense. It just isn't good. Dank is good - dank meme, dank party etc etc.
Confused yet? Yes, me too.
Now, owing to the fact that teenagers are always shortening words for txt spk for example and also because it is winter now/a bit cold outside, I did originally think that peng might have been short for penguin?
Sadly, I'm wrong here too. Peng is yet another word for good, or if its a person, good looking. An example here would be "I thought I might wear my new Boden dress on Christmas day". "OMG Mum, you will look so peng!" (I am lying, they will never say this if you are over 25
I've still yet to establish whether penguins can be peng though.
"Don't be salty" said the teen boy when I asked him why the hell he hadn't done any revision for his mock exams last week (FFS). Erm, OK?
Apparently I am always salty. You might assume this has something to do with actual salt (maybe I should be more concerned with my salt intake? Was he actually concerned about this?). No. Salty means upset, cross or angry. I am still salty about the lack of revision, I mean, what is he thinking?
When shopping for your Christmas treats do be aware that teenagers have very high standards when it comes to certain supermarket branded goods. Saying things like "Ooh, the Aldi Christmas catalogue has some nice things in it this year, I think I'll stock up" will elicit the following response, "Oh Mum! You are such a scrub".
Scrub is not good, a bit budget (forget that if you save a few quid by buying Aldi gin you will be able to pay for their ever increasing mobile phone bill *sigh*). Being
Apparently this was a big deal. Which leads me neatly on to my next word...
Everything in this house needs to be lit or legit. With the teens nothing but the real thing is good enough. Legit Coca-Cola is a must and they were truly impressed when I once bought lit twix bars. Phew. And lit/legit meaning legitimate is a kind of easy one to work out isn't it? Or, is it?
For some reason even though the teens like to C U l8r m8 on txt spk as I mentioned previously, when something is lit or legit it is far cooler to use the full word, legitimate. I feel like some kind of lightbulb moment might have occurred in their heads (have they been revising after all?). Could it be that they've finally started to use their mother tongue as it was intended?
Don't be silly, it's just another clever trick to confuse us parents. Full words, part words, words that are completely unrelated to the subject at hand - there are no rules to teen speak.
"Those are some top keks!" I wondered whether this meant they approved of the underwear I had bought them (which by the way was lit M&S) but no. A top kek is a major lol, the last laugh, something that generates huge amusement.
But can I ever have the last laugh with my teens?
*wraps two copies of the English dictionary and puts them under the tree*
* well, kind of. It is a very tenuous attempt to be topical.