Thursday, 2 April 2015

Teenage upgrade - a guide

Congratulations!   You have now been the proud owner of a teenager for 18 months.

We are writing to inform you that your teenager (boy - early years model) has recently undergone a series of upgrades.

This handy QuickStart guide aims to help you adjust to these upgrades so that you can continue to enjoy your teenager fully.

The upgrade as at April 2015 may vary from model to model but will generally compromise all or some of the following:

Hair by Sony

This is a new feature whereby the teen shuns the usual methods of hair styling (hair gel, straighteners etc) for a more avant-garde method involving placing a set of Sony headphones upon his head.  This in turn styles his hair with an attractive flat band of hair in the middle of the head.  Owners will find that this particular upgrade is most effective when hair remains unwashed and is slightly longer that it should be.

Styling tool (required)

Limbs

Owners may note that both arms and legs are now longer than they were six weeks ago.  This is due to the previous upgrade at the start of the teen years where we introduced the bottomless stomach and hollow legs to your model.  The constant need for this model to be fed morning, noon and night can unfortunately result in a growth spurt that will require suitable clothing at six weekly intervals.  This should resolve itself as the adult years approach.

Body 

Your teenager now pervades general odour reminiscent of last nights curry.  This is a temporary glitch in the teenage system that occurs when your teenager still hasn't started noticing girls.  Once the noticing of girls occurs then you should also find that your teen spends inordinate amounts of time in the bathroom also.  The teen may then replace their unpleasant odour with a haze of Lynx Africa (or possibly Apollo dependant on taste).  Their hairstyle may improve also.

Vocal upgrade

You will have observed that your teenager is generally shouty when annoyed.  They might also use swear words to emphasise anger against smaller siblings.  This is not an upgrade, just reality.  We're sorry about that.

Logic

In this latest upgrade the teenager's logic is still biased towards their own self.  Unfortunately this brings with it some annoying tendencies.  They are always right (even when they aren't).  They will never back down in an argument.  They will always have the last word.  One of the parents who has been BETA testing this upgrade in the past few weeks has reported the following issue where it was actually impossible for them to override this feature.  This occurred when the teen was challenged with reduced Wifi connectivity.  The teen unit (boy - early years model) then stated the following:

"Mum, Sir Tim Berners-Lee said the internet is for everyone, not the internet is for everyone between the hours of 7 am and 10 pm.  You are just being unfair".

There was nothing that the BETA tester could do other than try to keep a straight face and pour another Gin and Tonic out of despair.

Until we work out an override for the smart-alec feature we enclose a £5 Aldi voucher (to be used for gin) and our apologies again.

We hope you enjoy these new features.  Thank you for choosing this model.

Teenagers Inc. (est. 2013)

27 comments:

  1. love it. an override on the smart-alec feature would be excellent. will there be an option for disabling the X-Box interface which on our model is difficult to disconnect?

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    1. That's a good question - ours also has the additional Nintendo interface too and I'd agree that it is difficult to disconnect. I think we need to contact the manufacturers again. In the mean time there's always gin?

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    2. Find it difficult to disconnect from phones think they are glued on

      oh pass me a beer

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    3. Haha! Yes booze is the only way!

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  2. love it, read these whilst observing my soon to be 14 yr old plays on his xbox with said headphone hairstyle. unfortunately though this model has noticed girls but yet to upgrade his odour protocols.

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    1. Oh that's disappointing! Mine hasn't noticed girls yet (unless you include Lara Croft or Princess Peach). Maybe the Lynx Effect will happen soon for you?

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  3. Love it just wait for the 16 and 18 year old upgrades they are even better lol
    too lazy to get a job, bank of mum, not returning calls or text and let's not tell them when we are planning on coming home or if we want dinner
    the list could go on

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    1. This is what I'd feared... Also why can they not use their phones? I have this problem too - apparently charging and remembering to take it anywhere is too much trouble : /

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  4. Love this so much! I've been in possession of a male early years model for nearly a year now, so I'm guessing we're due an upgrade fairly soon. We have the slightly-too-greasy and slightly-too-long hair and the occasional unpleasant whiff, not to mention the trousers that keep getting too short.

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    1. Thank you! Sounds to me like your upgrade has already started to download ;)

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  5. So funny! Spot on. Add to it....smelly kit all round house, over use of "what", "in a minute", "well" instead of "very", and far too long sitting on the loo.

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    1. Thanks ;) Yes, bags at the bottom of stairs are a speciality here! Its a wonder nobody has killed themselves tripping over them yet...

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  6. I'm in possession of two of these early models who have unfortunately received the upgrade at the same time. Cue various forms of interaction that mainly involve the use of swear words I have never heard before spoken in a funny accent ( I blame YouTube!) and the afore mentioned Lynx Africa being used as a weapon of mass destruction rather than a tool to mask the frankly terrible smells currently emitting from them

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    1. Two at once? That's very bad luck. My husband managed to temporarily disable the use of the Lynx Weapon on our model with the threat of no Xbox/WiiU - goodness knows how long that will last though...

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  7. Grr, mine seems to have missed the first stage and, despite being 2 months into the teenage years, has immediately downloaded the upgrade. Any clues on how to downgrade? :). I guess it just means I get to the end stage sooner (please...)

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    1. I think that it is rather similar to an iPhone, in that once the upgrade starts not only can you not stop it but you cannot restore to a previous version. It seems a little unfair to me - the pre-teen years were working rather well for us and then all of this happened! If you get to the end before me then you must come back and let me know your secret... ;)

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  8. My model has memory problems (I have the male version). I will ask it to do something and then the screen will freeze and so the task will not be completed. I have tried unplugging from phone but that doesn't work either. It is also a much taller device than I remember ordering and I'm not sure if this is related to the aforementioned problems.

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    1. Sympathies. We have the memory issue too. Particularly in response to the command "Go and get your homework planner". It is a massive oversight on the part of the manufacturers if you ask me. The size guide on their website is definitely wrong as well - I wonder if we could get Trading Standards involved?

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  9. My younger model has entered the black hole of size 6 trainers... too big for sports direct kids ranges and too small for men's, necessitating very expensive Clark's ones. Need the cheap ones as whatever we buy they will be lost, trashed or grown out of in about 6weeks. This younger model also needs improved zip drive as he has managed to destroy 4 coat zips in the last year. Atm he is having to take his present coat off over his head! We r hoping the £75 of PE kit might magically reappear, without the need for a reboot...

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    1. Take heart in the fact that your trainer issue will last mere weeks. Once you hit the Size 8 and requires Vans (and only Vans) stage is where you hit real problems (financial mainly). The Zip drive has been an ongoing issue since the pre-teen years. The good news is that with the latest upgrade comes the added feature of avoidance of all coats (it might be minus 1 out there but who needs a coat eh?). A reboot is an attractive option but you may then encounter some of the memory issues mentioned above. It's a minefield I tell you...

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    2. lol - so true or comverse depending on the trends at school ... I've sidestepped the expensive Hollister upgrade by never ever going in the shop and buy quirky/bant t's online (expensive but way cheaper than the high end fashion brands. Also see m&m direct)

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  10. Haha Lynx...I remember the days of being stifled with the overpowering scent of Lynx in a classroom post PE...oh god, it's going to come back to haunt me (thankfully I have a few years yet). Theses teenagers though, not a lot different from a toddler are they?!

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    1. Exactly the same apart from the fact that you no longer have to watch CBeebies! ;)

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  11. Oh dear... I have the 15 and 16 upgrades... (Male !)
    One instantly freezes upon mention of 'homework' and the other seems to have a broken hard drive. Both need their sound cards re-booting. I'm not sure how to do that!

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    1. Yes, we've had the freezing thing too - optimistically I thought that it might resolve itself by the next upgrade...

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  12. I'm already there with my tween! She definitely using 'flipping' a hell of a lot and very loudly to sound sweary! Sigh...#tweensandteens

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    1. Ahh, yes my tween does that too. I reckon they are both about to morph...

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